So as I am sure you noticed, I haven't been writing much lately. I have had A LOT of new things happening in my life, and I should have realized earlier, that this is exactly the time when I should write!
I could, and have, spent a long time sitting here or there, trying to figure out my life, make the big unchangeable picture of what to do, where to live, my career, the names of the three kids I am going to have with my perfect, loving husband. Especially now that I am here in high school (finally) the pressure seems to close in around me. "Samantha how old are you now? Really? Wow, you're almost ready to drive!! Where are you going to college? What do you want to be?" We spend too much time focusing on things we are ready to do, have maybe a week of satisfaction for doing it, then ready to focus on the next thing. Don't get me wrong or anything, it is important to have somewhat of a plan for your future, but it wouldn't kill me to enjoy what I have accomplished. All summer spent thinking to myself, "I'm almost in high school, almost there!" Well as I type, here I am sitting in the library. Right here thinking to myself, "I made it. One big step is accomplished."
As for my future... well. I don't know. I have an idea. Many ideas I daydream about in bed at night, but recently I have set aside my plans for myself, and tried to focus on God's plans for me. It is so hard to do that, I am finding, but also finding a feeling of accomplishement. I never knew it could feel so good to smile at someone, who would be feeling sad, or angry, and see them smile back. I read and talked about how God wants us to make others smile, make their world better. I started doing it, because of God. I still do it, not only for God, but for the person, and for me. Right now, what I know about my future is that I want to find a place in America who needs their world changed, and change it. I am aware it may not be the most practical plans, but right now it's all I have. For now, that's all I need.
Take a deep breath and smile. Make conversation. Laugh. Even if you don't feel like it now, in few minutes, you will.